54: cousins creating community after 20 years

Lena would be proud

The Cousins circa 1989

Growing up, my cousins were my first friends. We rolled deep.

My grandmother’s house was after school care and summer camp. There were always at least 6 of us there.

We went to the same schools so the parents and my grandfather carpooled. The cars were always packed with all of us, picking up from school to school, then dropping off at the various homes.

When we were in New York, our posse was a bit smaller. Just my 3 (later 5) cousins. We traded houses during the summer. Mostly my cousins would come to our place in Brooklyn.

Yesterday, my brother, his wife, my niece, my parents, and I went to visit my New York cousin. He lives in Charlotte also. I hadn’t seen him in 20~ish years. We hung out with him, his wife, and their 3 sons. Their daughter is off at college.

We were so present, there are no photos.

I was greeted by my niece who was already having a fabulous time with her cousins.

My cousin-in-love set out a spread and it was DELICIOUS!

My brother, cousin, and I had a spirited conversation that ranged from catching up from college, to American politics and the economy. His wife entertained my parents and sister-in-love.

I caught myself in moments thinking about the elders who weren’t present - Aunty Harriet, Lena, and Clive (my grandmother and grandfather respectively).

I wonder if they ever imagined their grandchildren living in a foreign country. In some ways, living MUCH better than they ever imagined with all the conveniences, the spacious and well-appointed homes, the stable and reliable utilities.

And, also, I wonder if they ever imagined that we would be living within 40 minutes of each other and take 6 months for our first visit after 20 years of not seeing each other at all.

Community has become increasingly important to me as I watch my parents age. Even as I carry the primary responsibility for their care.

Honestly, I have a love-hate relationship with it.

On the one hand, I see its value. Beyond sharing burdens, community, done well, provides witnesses to our existence. They see us through rites of passage. Good community holds our dreams and cheers us as those dreams come to life. Community is the safety net of life that allows us to take leaps. We know we have something to fall into.

On the other hand, how does one chart their own path while in community?

As an introvert, as much as I enjoyed our time together yesterday, as much as it filled my being with joy and love, I needed much of yesterday and today in solitude.

I wonder though, do I need this solitude because I will spend the next 5 days at work?

Is it normal, as a human, to crave so much solitude, or is it a by-product of not having enough space in my day to day existence?

I think it’s the latter. Here’s why…

From August 2013 to November 2016, I did not work a 9-5. Instead, I generally worked from 10-2.

I ran 6 half marathons during that time. I met my running group at 5 am during the week and earlier on the weekends to train. I did 90-minute Bikram yoga classes without any rush to get to the next thing.

I enjoyed a healthy social life with friends with lunches and brunches.

I traveled every month within the US (GA, NOLA, Ann arbor, on so on), to Mexico, and on a 14-day cruise in the Mediterranean. I attended conferences and spoke at one for the first time.

In short, I was extremely social during that time. Folks were shocked when I told them I was an introvert.

With all that activity, I also had a TON of solitude. I was nourished from the inside out.

I crave that spaciousness again. I don’t like having to fit my life in the spaces that work does not occupy. I want my WHOLE life.

And, I will continue to create community with my cousins. It gives me life.

In Joy,

Nneka

PS. Thanks for reading letters from Nneka! Click the like 🩷 button if your cousins were your first friends.