57: the high price of senior care

and the emotional costs we don't talk about

I shared in Fire Alarms, Frogs, and Family that the wandering incidents with my dad are increasing.

I’m constantly on high alert, ready to bolt out the door.

When the cops called my brother in one of the recent incidents, we started to seriously consider alternate care. His wandering is a safety issue that we’ve done everything in our power to mitigate.

Financial Cost of Senior Care

I immediately, as in that Sunday afternoon after my brother left the house, contacted a place for mom to inquire about local places.

One of the reasons I moved into this subdivision is because they have step housing. Everyone from a single young professional, to a new family, to empty nesters, and on to seniors live here.

For the seniors in particular, they have independent living, assisted living, and memory care facilities.

Because my mom is legally blind AND because my parents have been married for half a century, I thought it better for both of them to stay together in an assisted living facility.

Two problems with that.

First, my mom worked in assisted living facilities 15 years ago as a nurse. She has terrible stories and memories of neglect.

Those facilities would now be classified as nursing homes rather than assisted living. It makes no difference to her. As far as she’s concerned, they will be mistreated, neglected, and possibly abused there.

So she’s a “HELL NO” to ALF.

The second reason is that, even if my mom were slightly agreeable to the idea, they would not accept my dad because of the wandering. Which begs the question, if a facility for assisted living won’t take the risk of a wandering resident, why do I think that I can manage this alone?

If we were able to do assisted living for both of them, the financial cost starts at $4500/month JUST for the residence. From there, it goes up based on the level of care needed.

This is for a basic studio, not even a one bedroom place.

Because of the wandering, my dad would need to be in memory care.

The average cost of memory care in America is $6,200/month.

I’m not sure who’s paying for this when the higher social security check in this house is $1782.

Add to that, most memory care facilities don’t take Medicaid, and Medicare does not cover long term care.

Oh, and by the way, my parents do not qualify for Medicaid because my dad gets a tiny pension.

It’s INSANE!!!

But it doesn’t stop there.

Cultural Differences In Senior Care

Apparently, it’s normal in America for people to call the police for non-criminal activity - like neighbors wandering about confused.

It’s a very foreign concept to me as a person who grew up in Trinidad.

Growing up, if someone was wandering about a community confused, more than likely, neighbors would inquire among themselves about who this person belongs to. Neighbors would keep an eye on the wanderer or even engage with them until they either returned said wanderer home or got their caregiver.

That doesn’t happen here.

On several occasions, as I walked the street looking for my dad, I asked neighbors standing outside and those walking if they saw him.

Many responded that they did, indeed, see a man matching his description wandering. They commented that he looked confused.

On the first occasion, my dad was walking with our degrees in tow. Three house-adjacent  neighbors said they saw him. They spoke to him. They thought it was odd that he was carrying what seemed to be books. And they ended the conversation and let him keep going.

Here’s the rub, I introduced my parents to all 3 said neighbors prior to this incident and explained that my dad has Alzheimer’s. None of them came to our house to alert me.

NOT. A. ONE!

I’m very afraid that on one of these wanderings, my dad would be met with someone who doesn’t understand his confused state and the situation escalates.

In addition to the shock of my dad being out there, I’m met with authorities at my front door.

The sight of cops isn't reassuring to me at all.

It is…TERRIFYING!

Emotional Cost of Senior Care

As you can imagine, all of this is taking a significant emotional toll. My nerves are frayed.

I’m seeing a therapist.

It’s not enough though. 

The more stress I’m under, the more downtime I need. The more white space I need. The more do-nothing time I need.

I have the opposite of that with my full time job and caring for the parents.

I’ve become acutely aware of my need for community. Hence my emphasis on social health in my retirement updates.

Not the type of community to go to events. I’ve never been one for that anyway. Not the type of community that’s caregiver support groups. It’s downright depressing. Not even the type of community that’s brunch buddies. I don’t want to pretend.

Right now, I need a type of community that’s a phone call to share the latest escapades and laugh about them. Community that acknowledges the present and focuses on joy. Thank you friends:-)

The type of community that’s talking about the other side of this. Community that brings hope.

I’m craving the kind of support that feels like warm hugs and the ability to take a nap without being on high alert.

So what’s next? How will I handle the cost of elder care?

I’m considering a drastic move because the cost of elder care in America is prohibitive.

Nevermind that we can’t come up with $6,200 a month for memory care.

I can’t bring myself to put my dad, my hero, in a 10x10 cell. Surrounded by strangers all day. Eating mushy, foreign food.

And there’s still my legally blind mom who needs assistance.

I’m thinking outside the box. What does the care cocktail look like in a different country? Not just for my parents, but for me as well.

I’ll keep you posted.

In Joy,

Nneka

PS. I’m curious. How does senior care work in your neck of the woods? Share in the comments.