50: life's shocking even when you expect it

a week of loss and wanderings

What a week!!!

When I decorated my planner spread for the week, I had no idea I would need its soothing nature. It was my oasis throughout the week.

I took Monday afternoon off for an eye exam. I thought I had it perfectly planned. I had someone take me because they were dilating my eyes. I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive home right after.

I thought I would have a relaxing and fun afternoon. Nap and celebrating my nephew’s birthday.

What I didn’t count on was my dad wandering off. 

Wandering

It wasn’t like the last time where he only got to the next door neighbor’s. This time he fully escaped.

I was asleep when the chime went off. My mom was taking a shower. When she got out, he was gone. She called me. I threw on some clothes and ran outside. A quick check up and down the street and he was nowhere to be found.

I hopped in my car.

I’m thinking he couldn’t have gone far. I was wrong. I asked a few neighbors if they saw him outside. 

Their response, “I think I did. He was walking with a set of books. He went that way.”

These are neighbors who I previously introduced my dad to and told that he had Alzheimer’s.

I drove in circles trying to think like my dad. Couldn’t find him anywhere.

5 Minutes turned to 10, 20, then 30.

My sister in love started looking for him. She engaged the neighborhood security.

We called the police.

45 Minutes. An hour.

We finally found him in the adjacent neighborhood alcove. A mile away.

Out of our neighborhood. Down and up a VERY steep hill. Turned into a nook.

I was so out of it that when my sister in law touched me, I broke into tears.

For context, I don’t EVER cry publicly. The last time tears poured out of me publicly was some 40 years ago.

After we found him, and the police left, we had our family celebration. That started the week with a bang.

Wandering AGAIN

On Wednesday, my dad wandered again. TWICE in one week.

This time, I calmly got in the car and drove off to find him bewildered and confused, bubbling around the neighborhood alcove across the street. 

This time only .3 mile away.

He’s fit and fast!

Two wanderings in one week was enough to totally fry my nervous system.

But that wasn’t all. No no.

A Heavy Death

Also on Wednesday we got news that one of my dad’s best friends passed away. He was the keyboardist in the band my dad performed with in Trinidad.

I’m not usually phased my death, but this one hit very close to home.

Allan Oxley, “Heavy”, was my dad’s brother from another mother. His birthday is the day after my dad’s. He was like an uncle on my dad’s side.

Double uncle because he was also friends with my mom through their work.

His loss combined with my dad’s wandering brought home my parents’ mortality. It shook me. Broke up my well constructed put-togetherness.

We do not determine the how or when of death.

It is entirely uncontrollable and unpredictable. We do not even get the 9 month warning that birth grants us.

I am reminded of this every day I look at my parents. Yet, I’m still lulled into thinking that I can somehow arrange the order of things. Prepare myself for the end. Steel myself.

What I learned this week - AGAIN - is that there is no controlling. No steeling. No arranging.

Any pretense to the contrary will be dealt swift blows.

My dad wanders. People die.

I breathe.

Farewell Uncle Allan. My heart goes out to your family. Keep an eye on us, yuh hear!

In Joy,

Nneka

PS. Thanks for reading letters from Nneka! If you were moved by this piece, click the like 🩷 button. It will feel like a virtual hug.