72: my parents are living their BEST life - while I rediscover mine

how finding the right care cocktail made all the difference

For the past month, my parents have been in Trinidad. They are living. It. UP!!!!!

I haven’t seen my parents this happy in maybe a decade.

They’re going to shows. Loving on each other for Valentine’s Day. Eating well. Socializing with friends.

Enjoying life! No longer just existing.

I’m SOOOOOO happy for them. And for me.

While they’re in Trinidad, I’m here - home alone.

I’m cooking and baking. Writing ideas are pouring out of me. I want to pick up projects again.

I, myself, am socializing. This past week I went to an in person Exodus Summit meetup and discovered a swanky co-working space close to my now favorite Charlotte neighborhood - Plaza Midwood.

I even feel plugged back into pop culture. Sure, I missed the Super Bowl - never watched it. BUUUUUUT, I had to see what all the hubbub about the half-time show was all about. I thought it was great! He got another fan.

All this to say that I feel like I’m back in the land of the living.

Both my parents and I are THRIVING.

Last weekend I was on the phone with my mom for over an hour. Enjoying the conversation!

I don’t think that’s EVAH happened in our lifetime. Therapy must be working.

Word to the caregivers….

Get help. Get lots of help. Be unapologetic about it.

My parents and I are thriving because we’re FINALLY getting the help we need thanks to the care agency in Trinidad - LEC.

I completed the intake form for my parents after I hired the care agency in Trinidad because we were speed dating. I didn’t get to it until I got back to the US actually.

LEC’s intake form was eye opening.

Before going into it, let me say that I’ve been through 3 agencies - that’s THE-REE agencies - here in the US. NONE of them had an intake that was this thorough.

The care agency I hired in Trinidad is run by a born Trinidadian who was a social worker in the UK for 20 years. She returned to Trinidad to take care of her own mom before starting the agency there.

5 Aspects of caregiving

LEC’s intake form covered 5 aspects of caregiving:

• Domestic care (house cleaning, cooking, laundry, meal prep)

• Personal care (eating, showering, dressing)

• Medical care (medications, physical health issues)

• Social interactions (hobbies, family, friends)

• AND, get this… care for the caregiver!

The 3 agencies I went through in the US focused on medical and personal care. That’s the least of what we need.

Going through the intake with Marcia (LEC’s owner), I realized why I felt guilty AND overwhelmed about my parents’ care.

I felt guilty because I thought, based on the intakes, that they didn’t need much care. On the other hand, I still felt overwhelmed - even with the granny nanny - because my parents actually DO need a lot. It's just that I couldn’t articulate the type of care my parents need.

Most of my parents’ care needs are domestic and social with support for personal and medical.

Insurance, including Medicare, is primarily concerned with medical care. They offer domestic and personal care only after an incident and for a limited time.

The US care agencies and even a few of the independent aides are also focused on medical care.

And NONE of the care agencies in the US were concerned AT ALL with care for the caregiver.

I think it’s because the certification that’s most associated with elder care is the CNA - Certified Nursing Assistant. In my requests for aides, I asked for a granny nanny and described the domestic, social, and personal care my parents need.

But there is no such designation as a granny nanny and the CNA’s and their agencies were the ones who applied.

Let’s not talk about the ALFs and memory care facilities.

How I’m changing my caregiver search in the US

As I prepare for my parents’ return to the states, I hope that our last granny nanny is available. I went through at least 8 people to find her.

If she can’t come back because she has other work now, I’ll need to start the search again.

I have a better understanding of their needs and can better articulate them. Hopefully, it will go much faster.

Best of all worlds though, is that they continue in Trinidad and return to the US for 2-4 week stints. This will require a divide in our households and 2 moves - I’m not looking forward to the process. We all had a major move JUST a year ago.

Nonetheless, the wheels, they are a spinnin’ though.

Stay tuned:-)

In Joy,

Nneka

PS. Like ❤️ this post if you’re in the throes of caregiving, or you know it’s coming your way. I’m in it with you:-)